So last night as I was rocking my daughter and looking into her sweet little face it occured to me that I am not living up to the promise I made to God. More times than I can count I promised God that if one day He blessed me with a child that I would raise him or her to love and serve the Lord and I have seriously fallen short on that promise. I sing to her and pray with her but not like I should. I need to stop making excuses and get back into church...to join the church we have fallen in love with and get involved there so that our daughter can grow and get involved in Sunday-school activities and make some little baby friends.
Skylar is such a special little person, and her personality is just beginning to be unveiled.....it's amazing! So often I feel like a failure as a mother because I am not the best person I can be. I want to "be" better for my daughter. I want to set examples for her in disciplines and habits, in her spiritual adventure and in her relationships with other people. It's a little intimidating as a concept, that my children will automatically form certain aspects of their lives based on mine. I want to model the kind of faith that inspires my children to love the Lord, and I want to model the kind of relationship with my husband that gives my children a desire to nurture and protect their spousal relationships, when they have them. I want to teach them to love learning, to love imperfect people, and to enjoy the process and the challenges that encompass all of life---things that I am still just beginning to learn.
I am excited for her to grow and mature and learn and change! I want her to be the best friend, wife and mom that she can be, when the time comes. I know that her versions of those roles will be slightly altered from my own. She will have her own strengths and her own weaknesses, and they likely will not mirror mine. I will train and teach and guide her---but there will come a time when the responsibility for her decisions will be between her, her Jesus and her husband, should she be blessed with one, and I want to begin preparing now to make that transition easily and gracefully.
I'm sure that I will continue to learn and grow as a mother, and I may someday look back and think that I only had a very small part of the picture but I would be doing my little girl an injustice if I refused to consider the long-term aspects of her life, even at this young age. As parents, we only have a short time with our children before they begin lives that reach outside of our four walls. Seeking to prolong their childhood, or insisting on wielding an inappropriate parenting authority as they move into lives of their own is foolish of us. We've all seen or watched that happen with parents and their children, and the damage that is done in those lives and relationships---and we don't want to make those mistakes.
(Thank you, Emily for helping me put my thoughts into words)