Okay, so much for my idea of writing here every few days or so. It's been a month since my first post and I'm probably only writing this little diddy because I am down and depressed and I need to express how miserable I've been feeling so I've come here to cry, kick and scream at myself I guess since I'm the only one that knows about this blog....no one else is going to read it I'm sure.
Anyway, this whole adoption thing is becoming more than I can bear. I have so many worries about how we're going to make it financially once she's here and we are having to pay for day care. We don't have an extra $400-$500 a month for someone to watch her while we work. Robert keeps telling me that we'll make it work out like we always do....like he doesn't have a care in the world. That right there tells me he looses absolutely NO sleep over this like I do. I spent my whole lunch break crying in the car today not knowing what to do. I know I should just trust that God will provide like everyone says but it's so hard when I'm doing the bills and see that we have just enough money to scrape by every month and adding a baby to the mix brings about $200 in diapers and formula, $150 extra in medical insurance premiums along with the $400+ for childcare. I have brought up the subject of needing to come up with extra money over and over again with Robert and he listens but he doesn't "hear" a word I'm saying. I ask him how we're going to come up with the money to support this baby (since I believe we at least need to have some sort of a plan) and he just looks at me with a blank stare on his face and when I finally start getting pissy because he's not saying anything he gives me the same stupid answer that he always does....the only damn one he knows. "I don't know." That is his @!%$* response to everything.....seriously.....I mean absolutely EVERYTHING. I know he wants to be a daddy but he has shown me that he doesn't want a baby enough to do anything to make it happen. If it involves making changes to his daily life like working extra hours, getting a part time job or switching his schedule around a bit then he's not interested at all. Now all of a sudden he wants to switch to working at the Tire & Lube Center at Wal Mart because it's an extra 30 cents an hour. He doesn't look past the $48 extra a month to realize that it will give him daytime hours and the baby would need to be in daycare FULL TIME instead of only part time. He never actually stops and THINKS about things or at least "tries" to analyze a situation.
I've been carrying the burden of financial family planing all by myself for the last two months and I don't know how much more I can take. I can't do this alone. I have been trying to raise money to help pay down the credit cards and adoption costs by selling candy bars, organizing a yard sale/bake sale and handing out empty baby bottles to be filled with spare change. He hasn't done anything to help. I absolutely hate asking people for money and yet I've hit up all our family and friends while he has just sat back and let me do it all. I feel so hurt and resentful all the time and my anger and frustration are building to a dangerous level. I am almost at the point I was in my first marriage when I called it quits. His indifference about everything....mostly the important things are going to end up damaging this marriage beyond repair. I feel like the adoption is going to be a big mistake. It will drive an even bigger wedge between us than there is right now. At this point I don't even think he cares anymore.